Thursday, December 20, 2012

Knowing it's not"wasted faith" but feeling what if it is?

I've said it before I know this journey is to strengthen my faith and develop patience.  I know God will bring everything together for my good.  And Yet I struggle...

I have made some bold moves since this study started.  All that I still feel in my heart are going to be worth it.  SO  MANY details have worked out perfectly.  In literally 2 weeks.  I have burned my plow (gave notice at my job), my last day is today.  Flown from Florida to Denver, signed a lease (committed for  15 months), registered my son for school, flown back to Florida and started dismantleing my house.  Sell give away what ever.

I am trying to get rid of everything.  What fits in my truck goes.  I had what I thought was a great second interview Monday but...still no job.  I don't feel horrible but my mind keeps thinking.  You sure you heard the right sign?  Up till now it has flowed well. Things have gone smoothly.  Love the apartment, love the school, got great flights, the locations couldn't be any more convienient,the people at the hospital seems so nice...and I wait...

It's so scary to wonder if I will be in trouble in the next month or two if I don't get a job.  Should I just start applying for anything?  But I don't want to.  I felt this was all meant to be.

In my brain I know it will work out and I know I am a selfish baby but not much has gone great for the last 5 years.  I exist pretty well but it was so nice to feel like "Really?  I can expect greatness? I can learn to expect things will actually work out?"  and now I feel like well maybe not.

Things have been going good.  Maybe my fantasy of having time that I am not running like a chicken with my head cut off with my child are too much to ask.  Where I would be not working for 3-4 weeks but would enjoy the time since I didnt' have to spend it glued to a computer to find another job to seek.  I'm sad because I so longed to have more time and peace.  Time to explore, settle in to my apartment...without a job I'll spend my time searching and afraid to buy the stuff I need in case I don't get a job for months.

I am feeling disappointed that I loosing some of my joy of this exciting move.  I had given up on hoping for really great for a long time.  I so hoped I would get to be the recepient of God's rewards for my faith.  I hoped to tell my going away lunch that I had a job and show how my faith has paid off.  I sort of dread it because, now I will likely hear: what if you don't get a job?  What if you have to take a job far away from D school?  How will you get to school in time if there is a problem?  How long can you last with out a job?

I selfishly wanted to say I felt led to do this and see?

God I try to be strong I try to handle all you let come my way.  I try to do what is right even if I have to bear the brunt of judgement from those who don't see it.  I beg you to let this work out and ONCE have time to enjoy time without stress, hurriedness and fear of the future.  Regardless if you will answer this prayer now,  I will pray for peace and reassurance that my faith is not wasted.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I did it AT ONCE

It is such a challenge always feeling tested.  I KNOW I lack patience and it seems to be the lesson I am not getting.  I'm feeling defeated today.  Last week everything felt like it was moving forward and meant to be for me to get a job and move.  The interview went well, they said they were doing a couplemore interviews but would I fly out for another interview at their expense and then...nothing. I know it's only been a week but for me a long week.  I know it's my lack of patience but it's hard to repeatedly muster up hope only to feel it was for nothing again.  To make it worse at my current job, it was suggested that I apply for a supervisor role due to personel shifts but ...I don't feel it's right.  I feel to go in that direction is to settle but to let it at least a resume builder. heart isn't in it and I would want to go as soon as an opportunity to go to Colorado presented itself (I am in Flordia).  I feel like my ability to believe greater is possible is being tested...will I settle?  and then there is a joke about a woman on a roof during the flooding in New Orleans who is waiting for the Lord to save her.  She passes up a boat , a helicopter and (somehting else) and then she finally drowns.  In heaven she asks..Lord Lor why didn't you save me?? and he says i sent you a boat , a helicopter and"X"...

And this is where I am...  I just feel to stay here is depressing and all mediocrity..Please God lead me and show me greater.  (this was written on Wed dec. 4th)


I pray I am hearing God's voice in all of this ...I have had some very thought inspired comments and have had the priviledge of reading soem others situations and insight.  I was so moody and disturbed Saturday and Tuesday ...yesterday I went to work and was overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was not the place for me.

I didn't plan it but I gave my notice.  I don't have a job.  I interviewed but am still in limbo.  It's scary and I'm sure many (who haven't been informed) will think I have lost it (hopefully not!).

I couldn't get out of my head (paraphrasing) that there is a cost to JUST GOing but there is a bigger one to staying.

I realized I hated dreading my morning, my day.  I realized my frustration was making me act like a person I did not want to be,  To my parents, my son.  Gaining weight  (though not much different.  I always notice this in times of great stress) seemingly overnight (well worse).  And I realized the only thing keeping me here was fear.

My bosess boss and her boss told her to find out what money would make me stay.  THAT is scarey too.  Not just to pass up money but to realize that I am that valued there ... what if I'm not seen as an asset in a new enviornment, or it takes years, or...never mind that  I JUST NEED THE JOB...  I still said there wasn't ...that I really felt in my heart that I had to do what I feel would improve my son's and my life.

My one friend told me, "you know no money is gonna change how you feel.  You won't be happy". 

So I just went.

I am definitely a combination of excited and scared.

God please lead me in the right decisions. I've burned my plow.


the above link is from my church it's a great sermon on how our biggest barrier in life is our PRIDE.  We can handle it. We don't let God take it.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Not feeling greater


Does anyone else feel like Job??  I need that bible study.  In one way I'm a total brat to make a comparrison as i haven't los tmy house or family...well wait a husband did leave which did cause me to lose my family and house, maybe I'm not so far off- but I feel like I could have so much worse.  i know it . I know it.  But I so long for more.  To be with people who are happy, hardworking, enjoy giving and caring.

I so tire of trying to shed some positive light on the constant complaints and critisism of others view of the world.  I'm not talking about a problem. I complain about problems and then work toward a solution.  How can I impact it ?  I pray about change coming to it.  I am talking about a complaint that no suggestion can be tried, no alternative vantage point can be entertained ... all while feeling miserable about the way it is...

I am always willing to change anything to improve what doesn't work.  I have made lots of bad choice and time and time again it's settling.  It's deciding that this is good enough. It's greedy to expect more.  it's uncaring to not accept big red flags in another person when developing relationships.  I am frustrated because I am the builder up of others and often in futility.  And I have no one who does that for me.

I hate the holidays.  I used to love them.  I loved decorating I loved baking I loved parties.  I have no enjoyment of them anymore.  I grew tired of planning everything and being told I am a control freak.  So I stopped and no they are unorganiized, cold food, no plans for meals, people always sleeping never doing anything "too much work"  or a plan is made and one person decides I guess i don't feel liek it and then the whole thing changes " oh lets just stay and watch a movie".

There is no joy and I can't try anymore.  I don't even have any joy to give.

I feel so sad today.  I feel like everything I do just ends in two choices: existing with people who wallow in self defeat or being alone.

Nothing feels greater today.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

What woud Greater looklike to me?

I  don't want to look back with regret.  The moments I have taken the words I have heard either from another person or ringing in my ears and jumped forward.  I don't regret.  Feeling like a fool or receiving an up and down from those prisoner to society is not my motivation.  I "know" they don't matter...but somehow I still hold on to a resentment. For their judgement for their coldness - it seems to bring up feelings of anger.  "how can THEY be like that?"  Maybe I am angry for what I am not being ?  Maybe what I judge in them is really something that seems obvious to me and they really don't get?  Maybe , just maybe noticing their faltering keeps me from moving forward to my purpose.  I mean after all , "I KNOW " I shouldn't care about what others say and do so why even give it a second thought??

Greater to me will look like ... or more aptly FEELl like butterflies in my chest...anticipation and excitement.  I see all around me Jaded hearts.  I am far from perfect but I know that is not me...and yet in moments that I feel that anger toward someone else ( not caring about someone else, being selfish, creating a negative impression of someone else, not noticing the person next to them, not saying hello to someone they must recognize) where is MY  GOOD HEART?  If I "get it so much"  why am I not praying for them?

God help me be a person who does a greater job of turning to you with my fears, my dreams, my desires, my pains.  Show me what I am to do and show me clearly when I am focusing on others when I should be focusing on me, not in a selfish way but in a way that promotes caring and giving.

I am impatient, for others to "get it", to be ready, to comply, for God to "give me" my desires.  God let me have more patience.  Open my eyes to the lesson you are sending my way instead of my focusing on my inconvience that of course will slow me down (and I have no patience- hmmmm, maybe I'm getting something here??)

God please help me be less direct and more graceful in dealing with situations that break my stride.  Bless me with peace in waiting for the next moment to unfold.  I give you control and trust everything will be Greater, for it!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Make my life GREATER!

Well started another online bible study "Greater"by Steven Furtick.  It's  a very simple book, that motivates my faith to do more, be more, feel more...I look around every day adn don't get the lack of caring.  Lack of caring about being kidn and good to other people.  The lack of feeling out lives our worth something,  Worth a cause to celebrate , which comes though in the joy we share with the world.

We are to be the light of the world...the salt of the Earth...We must feel that sense of expectancy to share exhuberance.  There are days we all are not "there" but when there are more days with out Joy than with...are we praying to God for something GREATER?  Do we really believe it is possible.

I pray for  clarity in the decisions I am making and that God leads me to a place that I feel my soul soar every day.  I trust and feel strong sense that I need to make changes and step in to the unknown. I pray for strenght to deal with any potential obstacles and the grace I so often lack in dealing iwth them. I pray to spend as much time thinking about the many people who are doing the study and the whys as my own.

I stole a song of another lady's blog.  It's always been a favorite and it so perfectly fits with this  study...I just don't want to be going through the motions...I long for something much Greater.  God please lead me!!

The Motions – by Matthew West – lyrics
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”
No regrets, not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Busyness Steals the Will of God for our lives

I haven't had a relaxing day for a long time.  My only obligation was soccer at 1130.  It was warm but the clouds came out just as the game started!

We also took Eevee to the dog park in Sandoval, which we might do again tonight.  I have been thinking all week (as I run around with a chicken with my head cut off) that God keeps pointing out busyness is the robber of life.  It steals our time.  How many people (or friends) never "have time to go to church", read the bible, join a bible study to learn God, take their children to the park (or their dog to the dog park)...this is life.  Not shopping, cleaning(yeah- I'm off the hook), obsessing about our looks, paying bills, grocery shopping, cleaning out emails, ...

2 Corinthians 10:5NIV--"we demolish arguments and every pretention that sets it self up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to God"

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world;but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind,that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable and perfect will of God

Business robs of our time to be with those that matter, to be present when we are, to have patience for what we should have patience for...we are fooled into thinking so many things are so much more important than they are...When do we FEEL love? in our moments of peace.  If we never have them, we will never experience love.

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.1 Corinthians  13:3

I want my life to be mine to be moments of having peace throwing a stick at the dog park, off we gow...

Friday, September 28, 2012

God needs nothing from me!

I enjoy somehting that requires me to daily engage.  Not that I don't want to but there are so many want to and have tos that it focuses my efforts.  I look forward to seeing the changes God brings to my life and patience over the next 6 weeks.

I am very aware of the fact that my business keeps me from feeling and hearing God a lot.  I'm so caught up in my'HAVE TOS'   that I unfortuantely never make it to what I REALLY have to daily.  and that is to prioritize my time to studying God before any other thing that SEEMS to take precidence.

Melissa Taylor's unglue bible study is fun.  Chapter two talks about perspective-- I feel like as I am typing (isn't funny how when you realize somehting you feel sort of silly for it seeming ly like a revelation in the first place??  I mean you already know it but  it just hasn't landed) I feel like I am being made to realize  my perspective on my daily time with God needs to change-  God does not need me to spend time learning and knowing HIM.  I can't prove anything!!!  I need to have the perspective taht I NEED IT, not him.  I DO NOT need to make HIM and item on a list.  I need to allow him to direct my list!!!!

Daily God make me realize you don't need me for anything.  You don't need me to do anything.  You want for me out of your love for me. period.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Unglued-finding another way

boy there are days when it is hard!   Inf act there really seem to be few days that are easy.  I started (no too well a blodg afew months ago but life gets so busy.  I wrote an entry saying i'd try related to the is where eto be found.

But I am determined to not let LIFE rule mine...  I love knowing I'm not the only one who loves going to church bible study learning about God , encouraging others to allow for a relationship with God but in the midst of a chaotic, discombobulated , running late morning , or a mid day call from the school to come and assist with my  (suprise) poorly controled child- that (i say bad words.very bad)....and then feel like poop afterewards.  

At my best (worst) moments I liken myself to Chevey Chase in Christmas Vacation....where' the Tylenol??!

I love the idea that this part of me can be changed!!  I am ready God!!!

It's so good to realize my Jekel and Hyde personality is not alone and a pray my and the others working towards this,perservere through all the business and chaos of life.

Doiing the blog for me is a way to be outwardly accountable to try to prioritize ans stick to this study (as I sit in my pajamas, when someone will be arriving to my house with in 15 minutes (and my child is still in bed))  BUT THIS HAS TO BE A PRIORITY not an after thought.  

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Well I will try again-  I decided it would coincide with doing the"unglued' online bible study and what a perfect chance to practice, drawing my line in the sand a little further ( or redrawing after June)...  Coming unglued... I wonder if the book that I just started  is going to more specifically guide on what to write/blog.  My goal in doing this is (going to be embarrasing!) to be transparent and to confess...  I do confess to the girls I work with but definitely mornings do not always bring out the most Jesus-like behavior and very sadly my son has heard way too many "fbombs" (hiding in all lower case) in my tirade.

But I AM GOING TO BE BETTER.  I want to not hypocritically tell my child to have self control and make good choices when I clearly am not doing so myslef!  God please help me to have more self control and patience....

Tonight i was racing trying to get to my study , haven't had a seconde sunday monday and now... I demand from my self to give this the committment it deserves.  Not to put pressure bu too realize  everything is better/clearere when spending time studying God's words and way

Help me stay focused God...I loved doing 40 days in the word and barely missed a day.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

I'M ADDICTED to Photoshop Elements!!

Well,  I guess it's been much to many life responsibilities to interfere with my desire to play!!  I took a free course from Jessica Sprague, it was a birthday special.  It is sooooo cool.  I taught myself over the last month with the help of Ali Edwards tutorials, but I enjoy a bit of structure.  Did I mention I love it???  So one of my projects was making a "blog header'  hence my return since the week I signed up.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Finding the Golden Egg during the Easter Egg Hunt!

Here is to DAY 1!


Well I have no idea what I am doing! And I'm not even sure how I got here..wasn't I looking up what you write with on chalkboard scapbook paper??

I've wanted to make one, who knew it was free (probably lots of people just not me!)?  I was thinking- as soon as I get going on my traditional scrapbooking, learn digital scrapbooking, practice more photography, including Aperature, Love and learn more about my Iphone and MacBook Pro, in between volunteering at a school, and kindergarten at my church, bible study...well THEN I was gonna look into finding out a blog.

Hence little bit... (of this and that)...Here's to new discoveries