I've said it before I know this journey is to strengthen my faith and develop patience. I know God will bring everything together for my good. And Yet I struggle...
I have made some bold moves since this study started. All that I still feel in my heart are going to be worth it. SO MANY details have worked out perfectly. In literally 2 weeks. I have burned my plow (gave notice at my job), my last day is today. Flown from Florida to Denver, signed a lease (committed for 15 months), registered my son for school, flown back to Florida and started dismantleing my house. Sell give away what ever.
I am trying to get rid of everything. What fits in my truck goes. I had what I thought was a great second interview Monday but...still no job. I don't feel horrible but my mind keeps thinking. You sure you heard the right sign? Up till now it has flowed well. Things have gone smoothly. Love the apartment, love the school, got great flights, the locations couldn't be any more convienient,the people at the hospital seems so nice...and I wait...
It's so scary to wonder if I will be in trouble in the next month or two if I don't get a job. Should I just start applying for anything? But I don't want to. I felt this was all meant to be.
In my brain I know it will work out and I know I am a selfish baby but not much has gone great for the last 5 years. I exist pretty well but it was so nice to feel like "Really? I can expect greatness? I can learn to expect things will actually work out?" and now I feel like well maybe not.
Things have been going good. Maybe my fantasy of having time that I am not running like a chicken with my head cut off with my child are too much to ask. Where I would be not working for 3-4 weeks but would enjoy the time since I didnt' have to spend it glued to a computer to find another job to seek. I'm sad because I so longed to have more time and peace. Time to explore, settle in to my apartment...without a job I'll spend my time searching and afraid to buy the stuff I need in case I don't get a job for months.
I am feeling disappointed that I loosing some of my joy of this exciting move. I had given up on hoping for really great for a long time. I so hoped I would get to be the recepient of God's rewards for my faith. I hoped to tell my going away lunch that I had a job and show how my faith has paid off. I sort of dread it because, now I will likely hear: what if you don't get a job? What if you have to take a job far away from D school? How will you get to school in time if there is a problem? How long can you last with out a job?
I selfishly wanted to say I felt led to do this and see?
God I try to be strong I try to handle all you let come my way. I try to do what is right even if I have to bear the brunt of judgement from those who don't see it. I beg you to let this work out and ONCE have time to enjoy time without stress, hurriedness and fear of the future. Regardless if you will answer this prayer now, I will pray for peace and reassurance that my faith is not wasted.