Thursday, December 20, 2012

Knowing it's not"wasted faith" but feeling what if it is?

I've said it before I know this journey is to strengthen my faith and develop patience.  I know God will bring everything together for my good.  And Yet I struggle...

I have made some bold moves since this study started.  All that I still feel in my heart are going to be worth it.  SO  MANY details have worked out perfectly.  In literally 2 weeks.  I have burned my plow (gave notice at my job), my last day is today.  Flown from Florida to Denver, signed a lease (committed for  15 months), registered my son for school, flown back to Florida and started dismantleing my house.  Sell give away what ever.

I am trying to get rid of everything.  What fits in my truck goes.  I had what I thought was a great second interview Monday but...still no job.  I don't feel horrible but my mind keeps thinking.  You sure you heard the right sign?  Up till now it has flowed well. Things have gone smoothly.  Love the apartment, love the school, got great flights, the locations couldn't be any more convienient,the people at the hospital seems so nice...and I wait...

It's so scary to wonder if I will be in trouble in the next month or two if I don't get a job.  Should I just start applying for anything?  But I don't want to.  I felt this was all meant to be.

In my brain I know it will work out and I know I am a selfish baby but not much has gone great for the last 5 years.  I exist pretty well but it was so nice to feel like "Really?  I can expect greatness? I can learn to expect things will actually work out?"  and now I feel like well maybe not.

Things have been going good.  Maybe my fantasy of having time that I am not running like a chicken with my head cut off with my child are too much to ask.  Where I would be not working for 3-4 weeks but would enjoy the time since I didnt' have to spend it glued to a computer to find another job to seek.  I'm sad because I so longed to have more time and peace.  Time to explore, settle in to my apartment...without a job I'll spend my time searching and afraid to buy the stuff I need in case I don't get a job for months.

I am feeling disappointed that I loosing some of my joy of this exciting move.  I had given up on hoping for really great for a long time.  I so hoped I would get to be the recepient of God's rewards for my faith.  I hoped to tell my going away lunch that I had a job and show how my faith has paid off.  I sort of dread it because, now I will likely hear: what if you don't get a job?  What if you have to take a job far away from D school?  How will you get to school in time if there is a problem?  How long can you last with out a job?

I selfishly wanted to say I felt led to do this and see?

God I try to be strong I try to handle all you let come my way.  I try to do what is right even if I have to bear the brunt of judgement from those who don't see it.  I beg you to let this work out and ONCE have time to enjoy time without stress, hurriedness and fear of the future.  Regardless if you will answer this prayer now,  I will pray for peace and reassurance that my faith is not wasted.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I did it AT ONCE

It is such a challenge always feeling tested.  I KNOW I lack patience and it seems to be the lesson I am not getting.  I'm feeling defeated today.  Last week everything felt like it was moving forward and meant to be for me to get a job and move.  The interview went well, they said they were doing a couplemore interviews but would I fly out for another interview at their expense and then...nothing. I know it's only been a week but for me a long week.  I know it's my lack of patience but it's hard to repeatedly muster up hope only to feel it was for nothing again.  To make it worse at my current job, it was suggested that I apply for a supervisor role due to personel shifts but ...I don't feel it's right.  I feel to go in that direction is to settle but to let it at least a resume builder. heart isn't in it and I would want to go as soon as an opportunity to go to Colorado presented itself (I am in Flordia).  I feel like my ability to believe greater is possible is being tested...will I settle?  and then there is a joke about a woman on a roof during the flooding in New Orleans who is waiting for the Lord to save her.  She passes up a boat , a helicopter and (somehting else) and then she finally drowns.  In heaven she asks..Lord Lor why didn't you save me?? and he says i sent you a boat , a helicopter and"X"...

And this is where I am...  I just feel to stay here is depressing and all mediocrity..Please God lead me and show me greater.  (this was written on Wed dec. 4th)


I pray I am hearing God's voice in all of this ...I have had some very thought inspired comments and have had the priviledge of reading soem others situations and insight.  I was so moody and disturbed Saturday and Tuesday ...yesterday I went to work and was overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was not the place for me.

I didn't plan it but I gave my notice.  I don't have a job.  I interviewed but am still in limbo.  It's scary and I'm sure many (who haven't been informed) will think I have lost it (hopefully not!).

I couldn't get out of my head (paraphrasing) that there is a cost to JUST GOing but there is a bigger one to staying.

I realized I hated dreading my morning, my day.  I realized my frustration was making me act like a person I did not want to be,  To my parents, my son.  Gaining weight  (though not much different.  I always notice this in times of great stress) seemingly overnight (well worse).  And I realized the only thing keeping me here was fear.

My bosess boss and her boss told her to find out what money would make me stay.  THAT is scarey too.  Not just to pass up money but to realize that I am that valued there ... what if I'm not seen as an asset in a new enviornment, or it takes years, or...never mind that  I JUST NEED THE JOB...  I still said there wasn't ...that I really felt in my heart that I had to do what I feel would improve my son's and my life.

My one friend told me, "you know no money is gonna change how you feel.  You won't be happy". 

So I just went.

I am definitely a combination of excited and scared.

God please lead me in the right decisions. I've burned my plow.


the above link is from my church it's a great sermon on how our biggest barrier in life is our PRIDE.  We can handle it. We don't let God take it.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Not feeling greater


Does anyone else feel like Job??  I need that bible study.  In one way I'm a total brat to make a comparrison as i haven't los tmy house or family...well wait a husband did leave which did cause me to lose my family and house, maybe I'm not so far off- but I feel like I could have so much worse.  i know it . I know it.  But I so long for more.  To be with people who are happy, hardworking, enjoy giving and caring.

I so tire of trying to shed some positive light on the constant complaints and critisism of others view of the world.  I'm not talking about a problem. I complain about problems and then work toward a solution.  How can I impact it ?  I pray about change coming to it.  I am talking about a complaint that no suggestion can be tried, no alternative vantage point can be entertained ... all while feeling miserable about the way it is...

I am always willing to change anything to improve what doesn't work.  I have made lots of bad choice and time and time again it's settling.  It's deciding that this is good enough. It's greedy to expect more.  it's uncaring to not accept big red flags in another person when developing relationships.  I am frustrated because I am the builder up of others and often in futility.  And I have no one who does that for me.

I hate the holidays.  I used to love them.  I loved decorating I loved baking I loved parties.  I have no enjoyment of them anymore.  I grew tired of planning everything and being told I am a control freak.  So I stopped and no they are unorganiized, cold food, no plans for meals, people always sleeping never doing anything "too much work"  or a plan is made and one person decides I guess i don't feel liek it and then the whole thing changes " oh lets just stay and watch a movie".

There is no joy and I can't try anymore.  I don't even have any joy to give.

I feel so sad today.  I feel like everything I do just ends in two choices: existing with people who wallow in self defeat or being alone.

Nothing feels greater today.