Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Not feeling greater

Hi,

Does anyone else feel like Job??  I need that bible study.  In one way I'm a total brat to make a comparrison as i haven't los tmy house or family...well wait a minute..my husband did leave which did cause me to lose my family and house, maybe I'm not so far off- but I feel like I could have so much worse.  i know it . I know it.  But I so long for more.  To be with people who are happy, hardworking, enjoy giving and caring.

I so tire of trying to shed some positive light on the constant complaints and critisism of others view of the world.  I'm not talking about a problem. I complain about problems and then work toward a solution.  How can I impact it ?  I pray about change coming to it.  I am talking about a complaint that no suggestion can be tried, no alternative vantage point can be entertained ... all while feeling miserable about the way it is...

I am always willing to change anything to improve what doesn't work.  I have made lots of bad choice and time and time again it's settling.  It's deciding that this is good enough. It's greedy to expect more.  it's uncaring to not accept big red flags in another person when developing relationships.  I am frustrated because I am the builder up of others and often in futility.  And I have no one who does that for me.

I hate the holidays.  I used to love them.  I loved decorating I loved baking I loved parties.  I have no enjoyment of them anymore.  I grew tired of planning everything and being told I am a control freak.  So I stopped and no they are unorganiized, cold food, no plans for meals, people always sleeping never doing anything "too much work"  or a plan is made and one person decides I guess i don't feel liek it and then the whole thing changes " oh lets just stay and watch a movie".

There is no joy and I can't try anymore.  I don't even have any joy to give.

I feel so sad today.  I feel like everything I do just ends in two choices: existing with people who wallow in self defeat or being alone.

Nothing feels greater today.

4 comments:

  1. Hello. I can so relate to your feeling like Job. In '09 my husband and I had to shut down our businesses then this past July, we lost our house and land (to foreclosure) we'd been there 10 years, it was all 3 of my kids knew. We were so broke that I even considered begging in Walmart parking lot with my baby. Those were the most desperate times...no toilet paper and no way to get any. You would not believe the sadness I felt, so much that unthinkable thoughts entered my mind so many times. I'm sharing because we all have 'seasons' and sounds like yours isn't very happy at the moment, I'm sorry. I will pray for you...I can say with certainty...'This too shall pass'. I know that is sooooo much easier said than done but, it really is true. I appreciate your honesty in your blog...I'm trying to do the same in mine, if you ever have the chance, 'hop' on by. I share my sadness, my insecurities, my dreams and prayers.
    God Bless,
    Becky

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  2. Anne, Hey girl...listen I know you may be struggling with some things right now and that is hard during this time of year, but remember God is chiseling you, shaping you into a new creature. A woman of destiny and purpose. Yes, I know it hard to lose family..I have been there. So instead of hating the holidays...Throw yourself and awesome holiday party and if you can't find any positive friends..then its time to get some new ones..do something nice for yourself during the holidays. Cook a wonderful meal for yourself and eat on the good china and if you don't have that then break out some Chinet! Get some sparkling grape juice..Toast to life and if nobody wants to be happy but you then...KEEP IT MOVIN!!!. You are God's creation and he created you to be greater even if you don't feel like it..I wish I had some scripture to quote, but I don't..I'm just getting back from my living a baseline lifestyle, but I do know that what I'm saying is scripture based and what I've been through (even the not so great) was spirit led. This is the second OBS that I have done. The first one was Unglued and I think you could benefit from some lessons taught in that series. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug...and maybe eat a few cookies (since you like baking and all) Love you my sister in Christ. Smile!!!

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    1. i posted instead of replied by accident

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  3. Thanks. I'm not sure if I snapped or I am moving in faith...I hope it's the latter.

    I went in to work today and gave two weeks notice. Just did it. I realized how I keep gaining wieight feel constant monotony and could see all the things lacking and this week one sign after another of how this is not the place for me. and Honestly it never was. Before my husband left we were trying to sell our house to move.

    I just felt so compelled! Like really it couldn't be much worse and really that is extreme in a way cause I work with lot's of nice people, I enjoy what I do but it's just ....not it ...at least not here.

    My boss called me after I gave the notice her boss and her bosses boss told her to find out what dollar amount would make me stay. sounds sort of pathetic to complain abou tbut its a burning in my soul I don't belieive money will change. I feel a pendulumn of a relief and giddiness and feeling like I drank a bottle of tequila and just woke up and thought "WHAT HAVE I DONE?'" Funny you said Keep Moving...the lady above's post on her ownsite talked about preparing. This bible study and the burning of the past...I spent the weekend cleaning debulking pictures...I so pray I am moving in the right direction. I felt "verclempt" when i started having butterflies of excitement at work today and recalled stating that that is what Greater would look like for me...I was a bystander to a conversation between two people about traveling alone without a plan ...she said" I love the freedom in traveling alone, to do what I want" I felt like that was speaking to me as well. Thanks and keep prayin for me!!

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