Thursday, October 24, 2013

My heart surrendered to Christ

I never remember anyone teaching me God’s word, God’s truth, or God’s love. It was a sentence, an obligation.  I partied a lot since before I ever left high school.  I was pretty smart and could pass with out trying.  It required a bit of effort to accomplish the same in College but after an initial semester of GPA of 1.3...I learned to find the smart kids and copy their notes.  And again I could pass without going to class.  School was just a place to be with a bunch of other people who didn’t work much and could plan the next party or bar outing. This went on past graduating the first time in Business and going back to school and getting a degree in nursing.
I was a traveling nurse which was just another party. Then I married my husband. We never attended any marriage counseling. What were they going to tell me,who knew it all? It was none of their business to give their input to my lifestyle.  I didn’t believe in God. Life was all about fun!

I married a man (boy) who had a difficult upbringing, who loved to party too.  He had attended Christian high school at least, but he never mentioned God or shared anything or propose we seek anything from God. We married had descent money built a nice house, partied still.  Their were problems but nothing dinner and a party couldn’t cure.

Then I got pregnant.  I stopped partying while I was pregnant. We were thrilled and conceived on the first intentional attempt.  I remember lying in bed before I took the pregnancy test and thinking “ if there is a God are you really going to give me this gift?  ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO GIVE ME THIS BABY THAT WILL FILL MY ACHING SOUL?  I’LL NEVER WANT ANYTHING ELSE IF THIS CAN JUST HAPPEN.  We were thrilled read every baby book, magazine... Other than a blood clot in my leg and horrible heart burn...I had a great pregnancy. No nausea nothing.  

We brought home the most beautiful baby in the world.  He still is angelically good-looking.   Through my encouragement my husband started working to advance his career, with the plan that  I could work part time.  All was well until my son was about 18-20 months old ...long story short by 3 (November 2007)he was diagnosed with Autism. We walked out of that appointment and my husband said nothing.  Nothing. Nothing.  After a 15 minutes, I said “aren’t you going to say anything?”  I was not prepared for the words out of his mouth, “ I don’t know if I can handle this.” MY heart fell so was the first second I thought “HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE US?!”  He said he didn’t want to talk about it.  Then my aunt called while we were driving back.  She said to my husband...”God only gives special children to special people”. He just handed me the phone.  

 By Christmas of 2008 ( Really who does that at Christmas?),  when he had a Gift of a weekend fishing trip  from his friend with less than a weeks notice for the weekend before Christmas, until he left on Mothers day 2009 it was a downward spiral.

I remember, no matter what I hoped for no matter what I tried to do it didn’t change anything. I remember a day in my room when he was not coming home “because he was so upset and drained” feeling like I just might die. Who could leave a person in a situation like this? No one with a shred of decency would do this I might just kill myself. I didn’t want to be a single mother, especially to a child with Autism.  My life was supposed to be fun. I sank I felt my heart going so low I couldn’t see anything but darkness pain I felt so trapped I wanted nothing but to be gone. I cried and sobbed I didn't want to ever get out of that bed. And I didn’t really hear it and I didn’t know what or who I heard but in hindsight I see it now. I heard, “get up.  Who will care for your child? Who will do what he needs? You are the one. No one will do it like you. HE NEEDS YOU! HE needs you! ... I got up.  I felt a clarity that told me nothing , no one in this world is ever worth feeling like you want to end yours.  If anyone or anything makes you feel like this...they are not what you need in this life”  I’m crying as I write this and realizing he was not telling me I can do it he was telling me he can and place my faith in him he will be the only way.  

(AS if I could) without making a long story TOO LONG- I didn’t make contact with the knowledge of God until March 2010 through a person I met on a dating website. As I went to church (not with him) I realized while extraordinarily knowledgeable somethings just didn’t sit right. It drew me to seek God’s knowledge and truth. And by January of 2011 I was following God’s path before anyone else. While I have faltered in that path a couple times with men I know God has put me where I am, through the things I have gone through, to not be reliant on men, or friends, or family.  Not that any of those things are bad but none of them are my guide. And only he will be a trustworthy guide. 

My biggest deepest prayer is to merge my knowledge with my desires, change my heart  to feel satiated. I KNOW all this is true and I KNOW I have peace at times I shouldn’t and couldn’t without out you.  I KNOW without my isolation I wouldn’t understand many things but my biggest hurt and pain has little to do with my ex-husband and everything to do with missing a family.  As I am writing this I am also realizing my problem with that statement.  I now know that any future marriage I may be blessed to have must be  sacred.  My first and big mistake was that I never loved him. But he fit my plan, which was to have the family.  And though my plan is long gone, my small 2 person family is filled with God’s love and wisdom (his plan). Amazing how he brings it all for our good. I love my child with all my heart and soul.  I pray I point him in the direction to understand you are everything he needs not a person or thing. While  there are a lot of hard days and lonely days but the days are days I could be proud to say were mine- that I could never have said before.  Thank you God for loving me in spite of my often grumbling heart.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I'm making a blender of bible studying: My church women's;Rick Warren/40 days in word-methods;Confident Heart...What comes out is what comes out :)

Blog week one of Confident Heart BUT ... I didnt' follow the subjects...Next week!

To be left... to not be seen -it’s hard for one to happen without the other--unless being seen and being known is too exposing for all.  Most people run from not only the rawness of who they are but the rawness of  of who others are.  When we are exposed to the inside of others we sometimes feel overwhelmed and responsible and retreat.  I think walking into these areas of another are what grow a lot of us because we don’t know what is coming next we don’t know what they will ask of us...what will we find out...what if we don’t like it... What will I do?  Will I face the challenge and uncertainty and pray for direction instead of leading myself (and others). Will I risk to give myself? 

In friendships- people fear someone will depend on them, need  them-  ughh what and inconvenience! What if they want me to help them all the time? What if I have to listen to them all the time?  What if I disregard all my fears and concerns move forward,waste my time to just have them shut down or walk away because they don’t feel they need me anymore.  They decide they don’t want to live life exposed in truth and I’m a reminder of that truth...who do I/have done this to myself?

In romantic relationships are worse and better...and more damaging because of it.
Too often women fantasize that the chemistry and magnetism early in relationships is special or destined or gifted...the thing we have been waiting for...and give ourselves away too soon, too much too soon... We were instructed to love the Lord God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength...(Mark 12:30)why do we do that for someone we barely met before we are willing to do that for God?  Maybe, just maybe GOD is the friend that WE walk away from because he is the reminder of what we exposed- our hurt, pains, fears, hopes (that will never come true)- and by facing that friend every day we have to face all those thoughts...and maybe it’s just easier to walk away.  Lord help me face what ever comes my way and help me cherish my heart and the heart of others the way you do.

We so often harden from these experiences, yet we were not flogged, beaten,LITERALLY spit on with blood dripping down our bodies as Jesus was. Because he knows what that feels like,and yet he is always waiting for us no matter what... Lord thank you for strengthening me in the last 2 years to stop looking out (though I still grumble and hope) for someone to fill the feeling of being desired and comforted. Help me live with a giving heart but not a foolish one.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

It's been a while...

I am looking forward to A Confident Heart.  I haven't done a bible study since finishing Greater.  I listened to God's call during that study and moved from Florida to Colorado.  It's been a great year. Busy, busy, busy but great.  I moved here Dec 27th and had to learn a new city, job, school...

I did a Beth Moore study after unsuccessfully trying to find a group but it became a coordination challenge and while I really, really love Beth Moore studies I decided to go back to the online so I can spend my time doing the study rather than the coordination to make the study happen.  I am enjoying kids ministry and am doing the women's study that is once a month at church.  I also was invited by a friend for her churches women's conferece this weekend and it was a lovely group of people.

So as you can see I havent' posted since last study. It still had a Christmas after a bit I finally got that fixed.  I look forward to a new journey!!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Knowing it's not"wasted faith" but feeling what if it is?

I've said it before I know this journey is to strengthen my faith and develop patience.  I know God will bring everything together for my good.  And Yet I struggle...

I have made some bold moves since this study started.  All that I still feel in my heart are going to be worth it.  SO  MANY details have worked out perfectly.  In literally 2 weeks.  I have burned my plow (gave notice at my job), my last day is today.  Flown from Florida to Denver, signed a lease (committed for  15 months), registered my son for school, flown back to Florida and started dismantleing my house.  Sell give away what ever.

I am trying to get rid of everything.  What fits in my truck goes.  I had what I thought was a great second interview Monday but...still no job.  I don't feel horrible but my mind keeps thinking.  You sure you heard the right sign?  Up till now it has flowed well. Things have gone smoothly.  Love the apartment, love the school, got great flights, the locations couldn't be any more convienient,the people at the hospital seems so nice...and I wait...

It's so scary to wonder if I will be in trouble in the next month or two if I don't get a job.  Should I just start applying for anything?  But I don't want to.  I felt this was all meant to be.

In my brain I know it will work out and I know I am a selfish baby but not much has gone great for the last 5 years.  I exist pretty well but it was so nice to feel like "Really?  I can expect greatness? I can learn to expect things will actually work out?"  and now I feel like well maybe not.

Things have been going good.  Maybe my fantasy of having time that I am not running like a chicken with my head cut off with my child are too much to ask.  Where I would be not working for 3-4 weeks but would enjoy the time since I didnt' have to spend it glued to a computer to find another job to seek.  I'm sad because I so longed to have more time and peace.  Time to explore, settle in to my apartment...without a job I'll spend my time searching and afraid to buy the stuff I need in case I don't get a job for months.

I am feeling disappointed that I loosing some of my joy of this exciting move.  I had given up on hoping for really great for a long time.  I so hoped I would get to be the recepient of God's rewards for my faith.  I hoped to tell my going away lunch that I had a job and show how my faith has paid off.  I sort of dread it because, now I will likely hear: what if you don't get a job?  What if you have to take a job far away from D school?  How will you get to school in time if there is a problem?  How long can you last with out a job?

I selfishly wanted to say I felt led to do this and see?

God I try to be strong I try to handle all you let come my way.  I try to do what is right even if I have to bear the brunt of judgement from those who don't see it.  I beg you to let this work out and ONCE have time to enjoy time without stress, hurriedness and fear of the future.  Regardless if you will answer this prayer now,  I will pray for peace and reassurance that my faith is not wasted.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I did it AT ONCE

It is such a challenge always feeling tested.  I KNOW I lack patience and it seems to be the lesson I am not getting.  I'm feeling defeated today.  Last week everything felt like it was moving forward and meant to be for me to get a job and move.  The interview went well, they said they were doing a couplemore interviews but would I fly out for another interview at their expense and then...nothing. I know it's only been a week but for me a long week.  I know it's my lack of patience but it's hard to repeatedly muster up hope only to feel it was for nothing again.  To make it worse at my current job, it was suggested that I apply for a supervisor role due to personel shifts but ...I don't feel it's right.  I feel to go in that direction is to settle but to let it at least a resume builder. heart isn't in it and I would want to go as soon as an opportunity to go to Colorado presented itself (I am in Flordia).  I feel like my ability to believe greater is possible is being tested...will I settle?  and then there is a joke about a woman on a roof during the flooding in New Orleans who is waiting for the Lord to save her.  She passes up a boat , a helicopter and (somehting else) and then she finally drowns.  In heaven she asks..Lord Lor why didn't you save me?? and he says i sent you a boat , a helicopter and"X"...

And this is where I am...  I just feel to stay here is depressing and all mediocrity..Please God lead me and show me greater.  (this was written on Wed dec. 4th)


I pray I am hearing God's voice in all of this ...I have had some very thought inspired comments and have had the priviledge of reading soem others situations and insight.  I was so moody and disturbed Saturday and Tuesday ...yesterday I went to work and was overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was not the place for me.

I didn't plan it but I gave my notice.  I don't have a job.  I interviewed but am still in limbo.  It's scary and I'm sure many (who haven't been informed) will think I have lost it (hopefully not!).

I couldn't get out of my head (paraphrasing) that there is a cost to JUST GOing but there is a bigger one to staying.

I realized I hated dreading my morning, my day.  I realized my frustration was making me act like a person I did not want to be,  To my parents, my son.  Gaining weight  (though not much different.  I always notice this in times of great stress) seemingly overnight (well worse).  And I realized the only thing keeping me here was fear.

My bosess boss and her boss told her to find out what money would make me stay.  THAT is scarey too.  Not just to pass up money but to realize that I am that valued there ... what if I'm not seen as an asset in a new enviornment, or it takes years, or...never mind that  I JUST NEED THE JOB...  I still said there wasn't ...that I really felt in my heart that I had to do what I feel would improve my son's and my life.

My one friend told me, "you know no money is gonna change how you feel.  You won't be happy". 

So I just went.

I am definitely a combination of excited and scared.

God please lead me in the right decisions. I've burned my plow.


the above link is from my church it's a great sermon on how our biggest barrier in life is our PRIDE.  We can handle it. We don't let God take it.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Not feeling greater


Does anyone else feel like Job??  I need that bible study.  In one way I'm a total brat to make a comparrison as i haven't los tmy house or family...well wait a husband did leave which did cause me to lose my family and house, maybe I'm not so far off- but I feel like I could have so much worse.  i know it . I know it.  But I so long for more.  To be with people who are happy, hardworking, enjoy giving and caring.

I so tire of trying to shed some positive light on the constant complaints and critisism of others view of the world.  I'm not talking about a problem. I complain about problems and then work toward a solution.  How can I impact it ?  I pray about change coming to it.  I am talking about a complaint that no suggestion can be tried, no alternative vantage point can be entertained ... all while feeling miserable about the way it is...

I am always willing to change anything to improve what doesn't work.  I have made lots of bad choice and time and time again it's settling.  It's deciding that this is good enough. It's greedy to expect more.  it's uncaring to not accept big red flags in another person when developing relationships.  I am frustrated because I am the builder up of others and often in futility.  And I have no one who does that for me.

I hate the holidays.  I used to love them.  I loved decorating I loved baking I loved parties.  I have no enjoyment of them anymore.  I grew tired of planning everything and being told I am a control freak.  So I stopped and no they are unorganiized, cold food, no plans for meals, people always sleeping never doing anything "too much work"  or a plan is made and one person decides I guess i don't feel liek it and then the whole thing changes " oh lets just stay and watch a movie".

There is no joy and I can't try anymore.  I don't even have any joy to give.

I feel so sad today.  I feel like everything I do just ends in two choices: existing with people who wallow in self defeat or being alone.

Nothing feels greater today.