I never remember anyone teaching me God’s word, God’s truth, or God’s love. It was a sentence, an obligation. I partied a lot since before I ever left high school. I was pretty smart and could pass with out trying. It required a bit of effort to accomplish the same in College but after an initial semester of GPA of 1.3...I learned to find the smart kids and copy their notes. And again I could pass without going to class. School was just a place to be with a bunch of other people who didn’t work much and could plan the next party or bar outing. This went on past graduating the first time in Business and going back to school and getting a degree in nursing.
I was a traveling nurse which was just another party. Then I married my husband. We never attended any marriage counseling. What were they going to tell me,who knew it all? It was none of their business to give their input to my lifestyle. I didn’t believe in God. Life was all about fun!
I married a man (boy) who had a difficult upbringing, who loved to party too. He had attended Christian high school at least, but he never mentioned God or shared anything or propose we seek anything from God. We married had descent money built a nice house, partied still. Their were problems but nothing dinner and a party couldn’t cure.
Then I got pregnant. I stopped partying while I was pregnant. We were thrilled and conceived on the first intentional attempt. I remember lying in bed before I took the pregnancy test and thinking “ if there is a God are you really going to give me this gift? ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO GIVE ME THIS BABY THAT WILL FILL MY ACHING SOUL? I’LL NEVER WANT ANYTHING ELSE IF THIS CAN JUST HAPPEN. We were thrilled read every baby book, magazine... Other than a blood clot in my leg and horrible heart burn...I had a great pregnancy. No nausea nothing.
We brought home the most beautiful baby in the world. He still is angelically good-looking. Through my encouragement my husband started working to advance his career, with the plan that I could work part time. All was well until my son was about 18-20 months old ...long story short by 3 (November 2007)he was diagnosed with Autism. We walked out of that appointment and my husband said nothing. Nothing. Nothing. After a 15 minutes, I said “aren’t you going to say anything?” I was not prepared for the words out of his mouth, “ I don’t know if I can handle this.” MY heart fell so hard...it was the first second I thought “HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE US?!” He said he didn’t want to talk about it. Then my aunt called while we were driving back. She said to my husband...”God only gives special children to special people”. He just handed me the phone.
By Christmas of 2008 ( Really who does that at Christmas?), when he had a Gift of a weekend fishing trip from his friend with less than a weeks notice for the weekend before Christmas, until he left on Mothers day 2009 it was a downward spiral.
I remember, no matter what I hoped for no matter what I tried to do it didn’t change anything. I remember a day in my room when he was not coming home “because he was so upset and drained” feeling like I just might die. Who could leave a person in a situation like this? No one with a shred of decency would do this I might just kill myself. I didn’t want to be a single mother, especially to a child with Autism. My life was supposed to be fun. I sank I felt my heart going so low I couldn’t see anything but darkness pain I felt so trapped I wanted nothing but to be gone. I cried and sobbed I didn't want to ever get out of that bed. And I didn’t really hear it and I didn’t know what or who I heard but in hindsight I see it now. I heard, “get up. Who will care for your child? Who will do what he needs? You are the one. No one will do it like you. HE NEEDS YOU! HE needs you! ... I got up. I felt a clarity that told me nothing , no one in this world is ever worth feeling like you want to end yours. If anyone or anything makes you feel like this...they are not what you need in this life” I’m crying as I write this and realizing he was not telling me I can do it he was telling me he can and place my faith in him he will be the only way.
(AS if I could) without making a long story TOO LONG- I didn’t make contact with the knowledge of God until March 2010 through a person I met on a dating website. As I went to church (not with him) I realized while extraordinarily knowledgeable somethings just didn’t sit right. It drew me to seek God’s knowledge and truth. And by January of 2011 I was following God’s path before anyone else. While I have faltered in that path a couple times with men I know God has put me where I am, through the things I have gone through, to not be reliant on men, or friends, or family. Not that any of those things are bad but none of them are my guide. And only he will be a trustworthy guide.
My biggest deepest prayer is to merge my knowledge with my desires, change my heart to feel satiated. I KNOW all this is true and I KNOW I have peace at times I shouldn’t and couldn’t without out you. I KNOW without my isolation I wouldn’t understand many things but my biggest hurt and pain has little to do with my ex-husband and everything to do with missing a family. As I am writing this I am also realizing my problem with that statement. I now know that any future marriage I may be blessed to have must be sacred. My first and big mistake was that I never loved him. But he fit my plan, which was to have the family. And though my plan is long gone, my small 2 person family is filled with God’s love and wisdom (his plan). Amazing how he brings it all for our good. I love my child with all my heart and soul. I pray I point him in the direction to understand you are everything he needs not a person or thing. While there are a lot of hard days and lonely days but the days are days I could be proud to say were mine- that I could never have said before. Thank you God for loving me in spite of my often grumbling heart.