Blog week one of Confident Heart BUT ... I didnt' follow the subjects...Next week!

To be left... to not be seen -it’s hard for one to happen without the other--unless being seen and being known is too exposing for all.  Most people run from not only the rawness of who they are but the rawness of  of who others are.  When we are exposed to the inside of others we sometimes feel overwhelmed and responsible and retreat.  I think walking into these areas of another are what grow a lot of us because we don’t know what is coming next we don’t know what they will ask of us...what will we find out...what if we don’t like it... What will I do?  Will I face the challenge and uncertainty and pray for direction instead of leading myself (and others). Will I risk to give myself? 

In friendships- people fear someone will depend on them, need  them-  ughh what and inconvenience! What if they want me to help them all the time? What if I have to listen to them all the time?  What if I disregard all my fears and concerns move forward,waste my time to just have them shut down or walk away because they don’t feel they need me anymore.  They decide they don’t want to live life exposed in truth and I’m a reminder of that truth...who do I/have done this to myself?

In romantic relationships are worse and better...and more damaging because of it.
Too often women fantasize that the chemistry and magnetism early in relationships is special or destined or gifted...the thing we have been waiting for...and give ourselves away too soon, too much too soon... We were instructed to love the Lord God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength...(Mark 12:30)why do we do that for someone we barely met before we are willing to do that for God?  Maybe, just maybe GOD is the friend that WE walk away from because he is the reminder of what we exposed- our hurt, pains, fears, hopes (that will never come true)- and by facing that friend every day we have to face all those thoughts...and maybe it’s just easier to walk away.  Lord help me face what ever comes my way and help me cherish my heart and the heart of others the way you do.

We so often harden from these experiences, yet we were not flogged, beaten,LITERALLY spit on with blood dripping down our bodies as Jesus was. Because he knows what that feels like,and yet he is always waiting for us no matter what... Lord thank you for strengthening me in the last 2 years to stop looking out (though I still grumble and hope) for someone to fill the feeling of being desired and comforted. Help me live with a giving heart but not a foolish one.

It's been a while...

I am looking forward to A Confident Heart.  I haven't done a bible study since finishing Greater.  I listened to God's call during that study and moved from Florida to Colorado.  It's been a great year. Busy, busy, busy but great.  I moved here Dec 27th and had to learn a new city, job, school...

I did a Beth Moore study after unsuccessfully trying to find a group but it became a coordination challenge and while I really, really love Beth Moore studies I decided to go back to the online so I can spend my time doing the study rather than the coordination to make the study happen.  I am enjoying kids ministry and am doing the women's study that is once a month at church.  I also was invited by a friend for her churches women's conferece this weekend and it was a lovely group of people.

So as you can see I havent' posted since last study. It still had a Christmas picture...so after a bit I finally got that fixed.  I look forward to a new journey!!

Knowing it's not"wasted faith" but feeling what if it is?

I've said it before I know this journey is to strengthen my faith and develop patience.  I know God will bring everything together for my good.  And Yet I struggle...

I have made some bold moves since this study started.  All that I still feel in my heart are going to be worth it.  SO  MANY details have worked out perfectly.  In literally 2 weeks.  I have burned my plow (gave notice at my job), my last day is today.  Flown from Florida to Denver, signed a lease (committed for  15 months), registered my son for school, flown back to Florida and started dismantleing my house.  Sell give away what ever.

I am trying to get rid of everything.  What fits in my truck goes.  I had what I thought was a great second interview Monday but...still no job.  I don't feel horrible but my mind keeps thinking.  You sure you heard the right sign?  Up till now it has flowed well. Things have gone smoothly.  Love the apartment, love the school, got great flights, the locations couldn't be any more convienient,the people at the hospital seems so nice...and I wait...

It's so scary to wonder if I will be in trouble in the next month or two if I don't get a job.  Should I just start applying for anything?  But I don't want to.  I felt this was all meant to be.

In my brain I know it will work out and I know I am a selfish baby but not much has gone great for the last 5 years.  I exist pretty well but it was so nice to feel like "Really?  I can expect greatness? I can learn to expect things will actually work out?"  and now I feel like well maybe not.

Things have been going good.  Maybe my fantasy of having time that I am not running like a chicken with my head cut off with my child are too much to ask.  Where I would be not working for 3-4 weeks but would enjoy the time since I didnt' have to spend it glued to a computer to find another job to seek.  I'm sad because I so longed to have more time and peace.  Time to explore, settle in to my apartment...without a job I'll spend my time searching and afraid to buy the stuff I need in case I don't get a job for months.

I am feeling disappointed that I loosing some of my joy of this exciting move.  I had given up on hoping for really great for a long time.  I so hoped I would get to be the recepient of God's rewards for my faith.  I hoped to tell my going away lunch that I had a job and show how my faith has paid off.  I sort of dread it because, now I will likely hear: what if you don't get a job?  What if you have to take a job far away from D school?  How will you get to school in time if there is a problem?  How long can you last with out a job?

I selfishly wanted to say I felt led to do this and see?

God I try to be strong I try to handle all you let come my way.  I try to do what is right even if I have to bear the brunt of judgement from those who don't see it.  I beg you to let this work out and ONCE have time to enjoy time without stress, hurriedness and fear of the future.  Regardless if you will answer this prayer now,  I will pray for peace and reassurance that my faith is not wasted.

I did it AT ONCE

It is such a challenge always feeling tested.  I KNOW I lack patience and it seems to be the lesson I am not getting.  I'm feeling defeated today.  Last week everything felt like it was moving forward and meant to be for me to get a job and move.  The interview went well, they said they were doing a couplemore interviews but would I fly out for another interview at their expense and then...nothing. I know it's only been a week but for me a long week.  I know it's my lack of patience but it's hard to repeatedly muster up hope only to feel it was for nothing again.  To make it worse at my current job, it was suggested that I apply for a supervisor role due to personel shifts but ...I don't feel it's right.  I feel to go in that direction is to settle but to let it go...is at least a resume builder. But...my heart isn't in it and I would want to go as soon as an opportunity to go to Colorado presented itself (I am in Flordia).  I feel like my ability to believe greater is possible is being tested...will I settle?  and then there is a joke about a woman on a roof during the flooding in New Orleans who is waiting for the Lord to save her.  She passes up a boat , a helicopter and (somehting else) and then she finally drowns.  In heaven she asks..Lord Lor why didn't you save me?? and he says i sent you a boat , a helicopter and"X"...

And this is where I am...  I just feel to stay here is depressing and all mediocrity..Please God lead me and show me greater.  (this was written on Wed dec. 4th)

Well..

I pray I am hearing God's voice in all of this ...I have had some very thought inspired comments and have had the priviledge of reading soem others situations and insight.  I was so moody and disturbed Saturday and Tuesday ...yesterday I went to work and was overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was not the place for me.

I didn't plan it but I gave my notice.  I don't have a job.  I interviewed but am still in limbo.  It's scary and I'm sure many (who haven't been informed) will think I have lost it (hopefully not!).

I couldn't get out of my head (paraphrasing) that there is a cost to JUST GOing but there is a bigger one to staying.

I realized I hated dreading my morning, my day.  I realized my frustration was making me act like a person I did not want to be,  To my parents, my son.  Gaining weight  (though not much different.  I always notice this in times of great stress) seemingly overnight (well worse).  And I realized the only thing keeping me here was fear.

My bosess boss and her boss told her to find out what money would make me stay.  THAT is scarey too.  Not just to pass up money but to realize that I am that valued there ... what if I'm not seen as an asset in a new enviornment, or it takes years, or...never mind that  I JUST NEED THE JOB...  I still said there wasn't ...that I really felt in my heart that I had to do what I feel would improve my son's and my life.

My one friend told me, "you know no money is gonna change how you feel.  You won't be happy". 

So I just went.

I am definitely a combination of excited and scared.

God please lead me in the right decisions. I've burned my plow.

add:

http://capechristian.com/index.php/current-series/message/broken-made-beautiful/listen

the above link is from my church it's a great sermon on how our biggest barrier in life is our PRIDE.  We can handle it. We don't let God take it.

Not feeling greater

Hi,

Does anyone else feel like Job??  I need that bible study.  In one way I'm a total brat to make a comparrison as i haven't los tmy house or family...well wait a minute..my husband did leave which did cause me to lose my family and house, maybe I'm not so far off- but I feel like I could have so much worse.  i know it . I know it.  But I so long for more.  To be with people who are happy, hardworking, enjoy giving and caring.

I so tire of trying to shed some positive light on the constant complaints and critisism of others view of the world.  I'm not talking about a problem. I complain about problems and then work toward a solution.  How can I impact it ?  I pray about change coming to it.  I am talking about a complaint that no suggestion can be tried, no alternative vantage point can be entertained ... all while feeling miserable about the way it is...

I am always willing to change anything to improve what doesn't work.  I have made lots of bad choice and time and time again it's settling.  It's deciding that this is good enough. It's greedy to expect more.  it's uncaring to not accept big red flags in another person when developing relationships.  I am frustrated because I am the builder up of others and often in futility.  And I have no one who does that for me.

I hate the holidays.  I used to love them.  I loved decorating I loved baking I loved parties.  I have no enjoyment of them anymore.  I grew tired of planning everything and being told I am a control freak.  So I stopped and no they are unorganiized, cold food, no plans for meals, people always sleeping never doing anything "too much work"  or a plan is made and one person decides I guess i don't feel liek it and then the whole thing changes " oh lets just stay and watch a movie".

There is no joy and I can't try anymore.  I don't even have any joy to give.

I feel so sad today.  I feel like everything I do just ends in two choices: existing with people who wallow in self defeat or being alone.

Nothing feels greater today.

What woud Greater looklike to me?

I  don't want to look back with regret.  The moments I have taken the words I have heard either from another person or ringing in my ears and jumped forward.  I don't regret.  Feeling like a fool or receiving an up and down from those prisoner to society is not my motivation.  I "know" they don't matter...but somehow I still hold on to a resentment. For their judgement for their coldness - it seems to bring up feelings of anger.  "how can THEY be like that?"  Maybe I am angry for what I am not being ?  Maybe what I judge in them is really something that seems obvious to me and they really don't get?  Maybe , just maybe noticing their faltering keeps me from moving forward to my purpose.  I mean after all , "I KNOW " I shouldn't care about what others say and do so why even give it a second thought??

Greater to me will look like ... or more aptly FEELl like butterflies in my chest...anticipation and excitement.  I see all around me Jaded hearts.  I am far from perfect but I know that is not me...and yet in moments that I feel that anger toward someone else ( not caring about someone else, being selfish, creating a negative impression of someone else, not noticing the person next to them, not saying hello to someone they must recognize) where is MY  GOOD HEART?  If I "get it so much"  why am I not praying for them?

God help me be a person who does a greater job of turning to you with my fears, my dreams, my desires, my pains.  Show me what I am to do and show me clearly when I am focusing on others when I should be focusing on me, not in a selfish way but in a way that promotes caring and giving.

I am impatient, for others to "get it", to be ready, to comply, for God to "give me" my desires.  God let me have more patience.  Open my eyes to the lesson you are sending my way instead of my focusing on my inconvience that of course will slow me down (and I have no patience- hmmmm, maybe I'm getting something here??)

God please help me be less direct and more graceful in dealing with situations that break my stride.  Bless me with peace in waiting for the next moment to unfold.  I give you control and trust everything will be Greater, for it!

Make my life GREATER!

Well started another online bible study "Greater"by Steven Furtick.  It's  a very simple book, that motivates my faith to do more, be more, feel more...I look around every day adn don't get the lack of caring.  Lack of caring about being kidn and good to other people.  The lack of feeling out lives our worth something,  Worth a cause to celebrate , which comes though in the joy we share with the world.

We are to be the light of the world...the salt of the Earth...We must feel that sense of expectancy to share exhuberance.  There are days we all are not "there" but when there are more days with out Joy than with...are we praying to God for something GREATER?  Do we really believe it is possible.

I pray for  clarity in the decisions I am making and that God leads me to a place that I feel my soul soar every day.  I trust and feel strong sense that I need to make changes and step in to the unknown. I pray for strenght to deal with any potential obstacles and the grace I so often lack in dealing iwth them. I pray to spend as much time thinking about the many people who are doing the study and the whys as my own.

I stole a song of another lady's blog.  It's always been a favorite and it so perfectly fits with this  study...I just don't want to be going through the motions...I long for something much Greater.  God please lead me!!

The Motions – by Matthew West – lyrics
I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
“What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?”

No regrets, not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something
‘Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life